Grave Markers 101

Introduction

Grave Markers 101 is the introduction to a series of blogs on all things about grave markers. Also known as tomb-, head-, or gravestones, or monuments, grave markers are a way of commemorating the departed. They augment historical lineage for professional and hobby genealogists. The type of stone and engraving methods can reflect the aesthetics of history. They can also be a physical symbol of the wealth or worth of the departed; and sometimes gives clues to ethnicity or the locale of death.

When my brother and I have visited cemeteries, we often ended up with more questions upon leaving. We have visited to pay our respects – only to find that there was no visible gravestone. Was that planted rock the marker for a great-great-great grandfather? Or was that how graves were marked centuries ago? As a reader, have you ever wondered how graves are marked in other countries? Or, without being morbid, do you want ideas for your own grave marker? How do green cemeteries impact one’s decisions? I’m still researching obscure inscriptions and artwork on some stones that I may never solve.

Research for our book has opened many doors of interest and some of confusion. We wonder if anyone else feels the same. Wonder no more, and stay tuned for an investigative blog of all things related to grave markers. And like our publication, “Before I Depart,” each installment will interweave and dovetail for a complete overview.

The next installment is Part 1: Reasons to Continue Using Grave Markers.

Sis

Cemetery Etiquette

Cemetery etiquette are the manners we practice when visiting a cemetery or columbarium. These manners are how we show respect to our departed ones and fallen veterans, when taking photographs, doing genealogy research, or getting ideas for our own marker. The majority of us would never deface graves, like the above photo shows, but are there any less obvious ones we should avoid?

As a youngster, I don’t remember reading much about cemetery etiquette from Ann Lander’s newspaper column or Emily Post’s book. But I do remember that all of my elders expected everyone to behave in a way that was respectful, and kids couldn’t run wild.

Here are some guidelines for conduct in a cemetery:

Never litter, that includes picking up cigarette butts, spent flowers, torn flags, or other debris.
Do not remove coins, raw tobacco, or other objects found atop grave mounds or tombstones.
Do not drive over graves.
Avoid blocking the road or driveway.
If a speed limit is not posted, do not exceed 10 miles/hr.
Be respectful – no matter your personal feelings.
Remember, these plots (owned real estate) are owned by the deceased or the family; you are a guest.
Never desecrate a graveyard with bodily fluids, spray paint, or vandalism.
Toppled or broken tombstones are not freebies – this is theft.
Do not remove fresh flowers, vases or urns, or other grave site objects.
Gravestones cannot – and should not – be cleaned without first obtaining permission from the cemetery or family member of the deceased. This is a huge topic of contention – leaving stones as is, for preservation of inscription; or cleaning, which can degrade the stone.
Repair of stones should be done by a certified stonemason.
We were taught not to walk or sit on graves. I never could keep this guideline. It’s not practical when adding flowers, taking photographs, or spilling a conversation and 10 year old scotch with a loved one.
Tempting… do not enter someone else’s mausoleum – even if the door is unlocked or open; it is trespassing.
Caretakers may be willing to direct you to older sites, unique, or famous graves, and are a wealth of information.

The bottom line: treat a cemetery like a church, national park, or library – show respect.

Sis

Why Was “Before I Depart” Written? Cindy’s Intro

The inception of “Before I Depart” has been an emotional journey for David and me. Forever etched in my memory is that phone call in 2018; the message was that a parent had died. The inertia we all felt of ‘What do I do now?’ turned into an active desire to help others who would go through this. That too, I remember well.

I had already typed a laundry list of things in my phone – what we had done, pending items, things to check on, and a whole lot of perplexing items in uncharted territory. Turns out, so had David.

We were sitting at the kitchen table the day after the funeral. He broke the ice and said, “You know what? There needs to be a book about how to get through this.” I agreed, and whipped out my phone, asking him if he wanted my notes. The look on his face was priceless. I said, “Yes, I had already been thinking the same.” We looked at each other, and as campy as this reads, simultaneously said, “Yep, let’s do this.”

The rest, as they say, is history… and true.

We chatted, met up, wrote, cursed, waffled, scrapped pages, continued chatting, and writing. Everyone has heard the stories about adversity breaking or bonding relationships. This sister-brother duo grew stronger and since then we have been in-sync; a nice thing.

So here we are ready to launch our book, and start a blog, to continue sharing what we have learned. We hope you will take this lemonade journey with us, and offer suggestions or topics of interest. Let’s face it – with absolute surety: If we have been born, we will depart.

Sis

“Before I Depart”: Dave’s Introduction

Why was this guidebook written?

When the phone rings, and you see a certain name on caller I.D., does your heart skip a beat? Will this be a casual call, or will it be the one that you have been dreading? On a Sunday night in 2018, my family got one of those calls, and it changed our lives. My father had suffered a heart attack. We dropped everything and prepared to make the drive to our hometown to see how he was. Less than 30 minutes later, we got another call. This one was to inform us that he hadn’t survived.

We were devastated and our family had more questions than we could have imagined. How would we tie up the loose ends from our father’s life? If he has a will, where is it? Does he have life insurance? We’ll, we’re still working on some of them. If there had been an all-inclusive guidebook to walk us through funerals, wills, estates… It would have been a lot easier to finalize everything that he left.

It took three years to complete “Before I Depart.” There was much that my sister and I initially wrote, and later on rejected. And there was much that we never thought of – like how a pandemic would change things. We also thought it would be prudent to include what a person would want loved ones to know, or do, after their death. I do believe that we can and will help people, so that they won’t have to go through what we did.

The best compliment that I could have ever asked for came through an old Army buddy, I’ll call Joe. I sent him a copy of “Before I Depart” and he had good things to say. Joe is not one to hold back on criticism, which makes him an even better friend. Joe gave our book to a friend who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. One day while visiting, Joe walked into the kitchen where the wife was sitting, at the table, crying. Joe asked if she was okay. She held up the book that he had given her and said, “This is a Godsend.” I don’t believe that a better compliment could be stated.

We sincerely hope that our book helps survivors after the death of family or friend. We also hope that persons use this tool to document their wishes and information before they depart. After all, removing stressful decisions for family and friends, while they are grieving, is part of a lasting legacy.

Dave